Death is a hard thing to accept. Still my brain likes to mess with me and tell me differently. A week ago, I just wanted him to tell me he was okay. To tell me that there was a misunderstanding. But, nothing.

Grief can project many emotions. Emotions I have never felt before. I am mourning still, yet I am okay. How does that even work? How can I be “okay”? Losing someone who was very close to my heart and knowing I was close to his, hurts like an indescribable pain that aches inside my chest and won’t go away. 

Ever since that day, my eyes and heart haven’t been the same. Tired each morning, don’t want to do anything except wish that this was all a bad dream, want to just scream every time I step into my car, cry til my eyes feel warm, then once my head lies on my pillow at night I continue to cry. I can’t help but think of us and our wonderful memories. 

I miss him. There was so much I had wanted to say that weekend and didn’t get the chance to. There is so many unexplained answers that I wish could be answered. Only God knows.

God, why couldn’t I just answered the phone that night?

Why couldn’t I just hear his voice one last time?

I just wanted him to hear me say I love you.

God you know my heart.

You know I wanted him to come to California this year.

Lord, why couldn’t I have one last hug?

I miss his lame jokes, his laugh, his smile, his beautiful special heart.

I just wanted us to be together again.

It’ll be awhile til I can completely heal. The normal routine I used to have has unexpectedly changed. Have to now get use to him not calling me, random snapchats he would send me, texting me after he would see an Instagram photo I posted (he always did this, supported me on the little things), praying for me when I have a horrible day.

Oh how I wish his family knew how much I loved him and cared for him. I can’t imagine how they must feel. Knowing they are hurting more than I am. I pray for them every day. Praying God will help them in this tragic time, to comfort all of their hearts as the time will go on without  him being present. To know His love is showering over their lives, giving them peace, knowing that their loving son/brother is in Heaven.

Sometimes I wish our parents would have known from the beginning, but both of us knew it wasn’t the right time. Having protective parents is hard, it doesn’t matter how old you get I guess. Though I wish it was easier for us, but God had his reasons.

Didn’t think the next blog post was going to be me telling you about a stranger who became more than someone I met over the internet. Who suddenly became my best friend. Talking to God about how much I liked this guy and couldn’t tell if my feelings were legit feelings!

Little did I know this guy was praying for the same prayer. Yet, never would have I thought him and I would share a strong mature love for each other especially since we’ve never looked eye to eye in person at the time. Nor did I ever think he would be in Heaven so soon.

We met through Twitch. Yeah, I guess you can say that sounds a little dangerous Julz… but getting to know him wasn’t.

Back in November (2014), I was playing one night of AW. While trying to focus on my enemies grenade that was going to blow up in front of me, I see red letters pop up on my chat.

This red-lettered user name says, “Hello hello.”

“Gang-stah-gang-stah?” as I slurred my words as I try to pronounce this guys’ user name, “What’s up!? Welcome to the stream!” I continued through my headsets mic as I tried to make myself more wide awake.

He replied, “Yo’ what’s up?”

I remembered Gangsta staying in chat til I stopped streaming. This “gangsta” dude made my night! He made us all laugh. His humor was something different.

There was another night back in January (2015), we were all just messing around in AW (think we were just killing each other for fun). Chat was dead, but I still saw Gangsta in the viewer list.

So I took a small break from playing and spoke through my mic, “so Gangsta, its been like months since we’ve known each other and I think its time to spill the beans.”

“Too late, my pinto, black, lentil, and coffee beans are long gone.” He replies through chat. I laughed and just said “What!?” Gangsta continues sarcastically,“What more do you want from me Julz!?”

I just continued to laugh and asked, “Whats your name?”

“Naw Julz, I play the safe route. I don’t tell strangers my name.” He answers as though I’m a stranger to him!? How is that!? This guy was sure difficult, but loved to joke around with me.

“Oh my gosh just tell me your name!?” I laughed. Gangsta still messed with me, “Do you want my age too? My address? My bank account?”

“I can’t with you.” I giggled through the mic as I hear Canfooy and the other guys laugh in the background.

“Clyde.” He finally answers.

Getting to know him through twitch was totally different. Other times he would message me through snapchat (this was the only social network we had communication on at the time) and tell me something about my snapchat story, to see how my day was, or just to mess with me like he always did.

Clyde knew how to make me laugh. Even when he made me mad, I couldn’t hide my laugh. The things he would say were just awkwardly funny. Then he would apologize to me after so I could never stay mad at him. Its just the way Clyde apologized to me… ’twas always a genuine “sorry” but hilarious and sweet at the same time. So, how could I be?

In Spring of 2015, was the time I started to develop feelings for him. I mean- I tried my best to not like him. We lived states a part! How could I ever have a long distance relationship!? That would never work. Besides at this point in time, I thought Clyde had no interest in me because he never dropped any flirtatious hints and wasn’t like the other guys who were straight forward. He was funny and sweet (when he wanted to be haha), handsome, had a heart for Jesus. I was like dude, he’s my kind of guy.

I remembered the day I gave Clyde my phone number. I didn’t think anything of it. Then we started having real late conversations about life, God, things we haven’t told anyone about. We didn’t have regular phone calls. Mostly we would have our late night talks over Halo on our Xbox. Lame as it sounds, but it was better than our phones dying in the middle of a conversation.

Plus, we both liked to play Halo. That was the only game he would play with me. *shakes head*

I remember we would stay up til 4am! (Well 6am his time…)  It was weird because I didn’t care about my sleep for once. He was someone I wanted to get to know and obviously didn’t let my sleep stop me.

Later on in the year, God finally answered our prayers. Clyde told me he liked me, but also told me he didn’t want a relationship if it was going to be for the wrong reasons. I was shocked. Of course I felt the same way- I just thought God was just showing off now, but I couldn’t help the feeling in my heart to know if this was real.

To know if this was or not a for sure feeling, I asked Clyde some tough questions. Sure enough Clyde was that gentleman who said yes ma’am to every answer. From right there and then, I knew he was going to be a tremendous blessing in my life.

He was and still is. Always will be a blessing in my heart and the other hearts in his life that he has impacted.

Him and I had a story. A story we both wanted to share with the world. Help others, encourage others, share with others. We wanted to write a book together. But God had different plans for us.

I’m still grieving. Not quite sure how long it’ll be til I have peace again. Knowing Clyde, he wouldn’t want me to stop what I’m doing. Deep down inside of me I know he wants me to be happy. Its just hard for me to move. To keep going what God has planned ahead for me. Despite our relationship and everything he was personally going through, he would always tell me “don’t waste your time on me Julz. You have to do what God has planned for you.”

“You have never been a waste of my time, Clyde.” I’d always say.

His heart was rare. I never knew someone can genuinely care about me like he did. Even when we were going through so much at the time… he was still there. He still loved and cared for me even through his toughest times. And so did I.

Oh how I miss him and wish he could continue to watch me succeed at the small things. Wanted him to be here by my side as I accomplished the unexpected opportunities that are to come.

I wanted to watch him grow and conquer his dream. However, God had better and greater plans for him. This overwhelming feeling to know that Clyde didn’t have to suffer anymore, gives me joy. That he is better in Heaven than he was walking on Earth.

Happy that God fixed your heart.

I know you are up there smiling Clyde.

Probably rapping some of your songs to Jesus.

I can’t wait to see you again, in His time ♥