Hello my friends, thought to write because one: I haven’t in some time and second: just can’t bring myself to vlog my feelings.
Monday, didn’t wake up til afternoon then I remembered I was going to vlog for the day. I was really crappy looking because I got home late Sunday and couldn’t sleep til 3 am. As I was going to get ready for the day (Monday) and actually try to look decent in my vlog, so many exciting things were going through my mind.
As you all know the past weekend I was going to a meeting/workshop that related to business. There was a program they were offering and of course in no way I could afford this program. I wanted to do it so bad but I didn’t have any kind of available funds to help. Although with all the knowledge I had learned from the three days, I wanted to put my knowledge to work and use the tools to put them into action. Little did I know that the lady in front of me at this meeting who I had talk to here and there got accepted to the program. Here I am, knowing there would be in no way I would move forward into this program (maybe in the future I would be able to afford it) but, she approaches my grandma and I. She asks, would you like to be in a partnership I really don’t want to do this by myself?
OF COURSE I SAID YES!
So I was repeating my excitement in my thoughts (from that Sunday) as I was brushing my hair. This might sound weird (I tend to do this sometimes lol) but I began to smile just thanking God for the opportunity.
I then started to remember Clyde. Remembering our memories in conversation. Like I’ve said Clyde had always supported my dreams and endlessly gave me encouragement when I started to discourage myself. Continuing brushing my hair while looking at myself in the mirror, I started to tear up. It just hit me out of nowhere.
I just wanted to call him and tell him the amazing opportunity I got offered the day before. Knowing I wasn’t going to get a response hurts the most. I just began to break down.
Just couldn’t let you guys see me the way I was. I didn’t want to bring you guys down. ‘Twas the reason there was no vlog Monday. It was too hard for me, I just needed time to myself.
Tuesday I was a little bit more better, but woke up sick… again. *Rolls Eyes*
Pretty much drugged myself for the whole day, crucial pain is no fun. I should be seeing a doctor hopefully by next month. I am still going through some medical insurance adult stuff (soooo much fun). So won’t be til I get my stuff cleared to be able to move forward to see a doctor. Ughhh…
Alright my friends, hope you all have a blessed day! Thank you all for understanding, you guys mean so much to me y’all have no idea.
I can’t believe I am 23. Crazy. Thankful to live another day.
Breathing in and out as I try to keep my thoughts together. I have so many things I just want to blurt out so, here it goes.
If you have been following me on twitter and instagram then you already know that my phone service has been just as equally stupid to my home network (internet) as well. Haven’t been able to stay on my social media apps as long as I would want to due to my service provider that keeps on crashing.
Oh! You also must know that I had a “weekly vlog” I was ready to upload to YouTube then my old laptop (wait for it) was giving me problems as usual…
THEN (here it is) after praying for two years for a new laptop, God has answered! Yes! Generous donation was surprisingly given out of nowhere. Thankful for the gift.
I am actually typing on this beauty right as I type hehe
Will I be uploading vlogs now? You might ask, YES I AM! Cannot wait to share and edit videos through a much faster and high quality software than ever!
You might also know about the bunnies I have shared on my Instagram stories. Well- there was more than what we expected. I’ll be sharing more in the vlog BUT yea, I named my baby Bubba :P He’s so cute!
You might be wondering, how am I posting/blogging right now? Well seems the “smart internet” people actually found out the problem and fixed the problem, for now. Hmm… *rolls eyes*
My gosh I’ve been working non stop and think I’m getting sick. So right now currently in bed, thinking “this sucks”. Having my throat itch and on top of that my stomach problems seem to have came back to haunt me from my past. So I’m sure you can tell how excited I am to go into work today.
Alright, enjoy while you catch up on my crazy life along with my photos while you can peeps! First two photos are from California :) Last two taken from Texas :’)
p.s. Just wanted to thank everyone again who has reached out and continuously supported me while I still carry this heavy heart. Each one of you has a very special place in my heart. You all inspire me and keep me going even on the days when I don’t want to. I thank you. You all are just as Loved. God is healing me slowly.
Death is a hard thing to accept. Still my brain likes to mess with me and tell me differently. A week ago, I just wanted him to tell me he was okay. To tell me that there was a misunderstanding. But, nothing.
Grief can project many emotions. Emotions I have never felt before. I am mourning still, yet I am okay. How does that even work? How can I be “okay”? Losing someone who was very close to my heart and knowing I was close to his, hurts like an indescribable pain that aches inside my chest and won’t go away.
Ever since that day, my eyes and heart haven’t been the same. Tired each morning, don’t want to do anything except wish that this was all a bad dream, want to just scream every time I step into my car, cry til my eyes feel warm, then once my head lies on my pillow at night I continue to cry. I can’t help but think of us and our wonderful memories.
I miss him. There was so much I had wanted to say that weekend and didn’t get the chance to. There is so many unexplained answers that I wish could be answered. Only God knows.
God, why couldn’t I just answered the phone that night?
Why couldn’t I just hear his voice one last time?
I just wanted him to hear me say I love you.
God you know my heart.
You know I wanted him to come to California this year.
Lord, why couldn’t I have one last hug?
I miss his lame jokes, his laugh, his smile, his beautiful special heart.
I just wanted us to be together again.
It’ll be awhile til I can completely heal. The normal routine I used to have has unexpectedly changed. Have to now get use to him not calling me, random snapchats he would send me, texting me after he would see an Instagram photo I posted (he always did this, supported me on the little things), praying for me when I have a horrible day.
Oh how I wish his family knew how much I loved him and cared for him. I can’t imagine how they must feel. Knowing they are hurting more than I am. I pray for them every day. Praying God will help them in this tragic time, to comfort all of their hearts as the time will go on without him being present. To know His love is showering over their lives, giving them peace, knowing that their loving son/brother is in Heaven.
Sometimes I wish our parents would have known from the beginning, but both of us knew it wasn’t the right time. Having protective parents is hard, it doesn’t matter how old you get I guess. Though I wish it was easier for us, but God had his reasons.
Didn’t think the next blog post was going to be me telling you about a stranger who became more than someone I met over the internet. Who suddenly became my best friend. Talking to God about how much I liked this guy and couldn’t tell if my feelings were legit feelings!
Little did I know this guy was praying for the same prayer. Yet, never would have I thought him and I would share a strong mature love for each other especially since we’ve never looked eye to eye in person at the time. Nor did I ever think he would be in Heaven so soon.
We met through Twitch. Yeah, I guess you can say that sounds a little dangerous Julz… but getting to know him wasn’t.
Back in November (2014), I was playing one night of AW. While trying to focus on my enemies grenade that was going to blow up in front of me, I see red letters pop up on my chat.
This red-lettered user name says, “Hello hello.”
“Gang-stah-gang-stah?” as I slurred my words as I try to pronounce this guys’ user name, “What’s up!? Welcome to the stream!” I continued through my headsets mic as I tried to make myself more wide awake.
He replied, “Yo’ what’s up?”
I remembered Gangsta staying in chat til I stopped streaming. This “gangsta” dude made my night! He made us all laugh. His humor was something different.
There was another night back in January (2015), we were all just messing around in AW (think we were just killing each other for fun). Chat was dead, but I still saw Gangsta in the viewer list.
So I took a small break from playing and spoke through my mic, “so Gangsta, its been like months since we’ve known each other and I think its time to spill the beans.”
“Too late, my pinto, black, lentil, and coffee beans are long gone.” He replies through chat. I laughed and just said “What!?” Gangsta continuessarcastically,“What more do you want from me Julz!?”
I just continued to laugh and asked, “Whats your name?”
“Naw Julz, I play the safe route. I don’t tell strangers my name.” He answers as though I’m a stranger to him!? How is that!? This guy was sure difficult, but loved to joke around with me.
“Oh my gosh just tell me your name!?” I laughed. Gangsta still messed with me, “Do you want my age too? My address? My bank account?”
“I can’t with you.” I giggled through the mic as I hear Canfooy and the other guys laugh in the background.
“Clyde.” He finally answers.
Getting to know him through twitch was totally different. Other times he would message me through snapchat (this was the only social network we had communication on at the time) and tell me something about my snapchat story, to see how my day was, or just to mess with me like he always did.
Clyde knew how to make me laugh. Even when he made me mad, I couldn’t hide my laugh. The things he would say were just awkwardly funny. Then he would apologize to me after so I could never stay mad at him. Its just the way Clyde apologized to me… ’twas always a genuine “sorry” but hilarious and sweet at the same time. So, how could I be?
In Spring of 2015, was the time I started to develop feelings for him. I mean- I tried my best to not like him. We lived states a part! How could I ever have a long distance relationship!? That would never work. Besides at this point in time, I thought Clyde had no interest in me because he never dropped any flirtatious hints and wasn’t like the other guys who were straight forward. He was funny and sweet (when he wanted to be haha), handsome, had a heart for Jesus. I was like dude, he’s my kind of guy.
I remembered the day I gave Clyde my phone number. I didn’t think anything of it. Then we started having real late conversations about life, God, things we haven’t told anyone about. We didn’t have regular phone calls. Mostly we would have our late night talks over Halo on our Xbox. Lame as it sounds, but it was better than our phones dying in the middle of a conversation.
Plus, we both liked to play Halo. That was the only game he would play with me. *shakes head*
I remember we would stay up til 4am! (Well 6am his time…) It was weird because I didn’t care about my sleep for once. He was someone I wanted to get to know and obviously didn’t let my sleep stop me.
Later on in the year, God finally answered our prayers. Clyde told me he liked me, but also told me he didn’t want a relationship if it was going to be for the wrong reasons. I was shocked. Of course I felt the same way- I just thought God was just showing off now, but I couldn’t help the feeling in my heart to know if this was real.
To know if this was or not a for sure feeling, I asked Clyde some tough questions. Sure enough Clyde was that gentleman who said yes ma’am to every answer. From right there and then, I knew he was going to be a tremendous blessing in my life.
He was and still is. Always will be a blessing in my heart and the other hearts in his life that he has impacted.
Him and I had a story. A story we both wanted to share with the world. Help others, encourage others, share with others. We wanted to write a book together. But God had different plans for us.
I’m still grieving. Not quite sure how long it’ll be til I have peace again. Knowing Clyde, he wouldn’t want me to stop what I’m doing. Deep down inside of me I know he wants me to be happy. Its just hard for me to move. To keep going what God has planned ahead for me. Despite our relationship and everything he was personally going through, he would always tell me “don’t waste your time on me Julz. You have to do what God has planned for you.”
“You have never been a waste of my time, Clyde.” I’d always say.
His heart was rare. I never knew someone can genuinely care about me like he did. Even when we were going through so much at the time… he was still there. He still loved and cared for me even through his toughest times. And so did I.
Oh how I miss him and wish he could continue to watch me succeed at the small things. Wanted him to be here by my side as I accomplished the unexpected opportunities that are to come.
I wanted to watch him grow and conquer his dream. However, God had better and greater plans for him. This overwhelming feeling to know that Clyde didn’t have to suffer anymore, gives me joy. That he is better in Heaven than he was walking on Earth.
Have any of you gotten so stressed that all you want to do is just be a potato? (sleep basically)
I have. It sucks. In my previous post I have mentioned about making a better change to my lifestyle. Truth is, I’ve tried and tried annnnd tried. Tried a lot of things to make my mornings more peaceful and less “lazy” that comes with getting up and not wanting to do anything except just stay in bed.
Welp, short update on my life is this month has been a little more overwhelming. This other new job, I thought that would keep me sane, is not doing the favor at all. I show up at work and they tell me (and other fellow co workers) that they are changing the schedule for all the new hires. Meaning we as new hires won’t be working as much as the company said we would. Now my first other job that I’ve been working for the longest time as you all already know, its only part time with very little hours. So the California struggle has been very real to me as of now.
My blogging and gaming life has also been ridiculously a weird roller coaster…
I’ll start with gaming! OKAY, so I got new headsets as some of you know, so I could start streaming again and GUESS FREAKING WHAT?!
One night I was just playing a regular game and heard a funny crack noise. At first I thought it was the jack that is used for the Xbox one controller. BUT nope! Complete silence through my headset and couldn’t hear the game. I am not sure what caused it, though I am certain it could’ve just been that one time. Since then I haven’t tried it again. I know! I know! I should…
Am going to, just don’t know when. xD
Alright as far as blogging goes, I have a lot of photos! Downside is I have a lot of personal things I have to take care of in reality. As much as I want to take my ghetto beat up laptop to a coffee shop and just escape to the online world. I just can’t :(
I have unplanned situations come up everyday in my home (no I am not exaggerating, this is real life I am talking about). I’m not going to go into detail, but pursuing a passion you love so dearly is such an amazing great way to live. Distractions come up all the time, but when family makes their problem your problem, its honestly sucks.
I don’t have my own space here at home. So if you’re a genius, you can figure out the puzzle.
There’s my little short rant update for today haha. Now onto to the NEWS!
Blogging has been a love/hate relationship for the past years ever since I started. But I love it so much that I’ve considered re-launching for the NEW COOLEST GOODIES I HAVE PLANNED FOR JULIEZABEE.COM! :)
It’s very exciting and I cannot wait to share all the deetsss! I do not want to give everything a way so keep updated on twitter and instagram to know when the whole sheeebang happens!
For now enjoy all these photos from Texas (not all), the beach, and daycations I have from the past few months. They are random so don’t worry there is more coming! :)
Hope you all are doing alright! :P I am doing swell perhaps. This new journey of mine is only the beginning and am very excited to see what is to come. I am trying a new lifestyle in my life, more of a mental and healthy change I will say.
Have you ever felt so overwhelmed and you just have no idea why!? Well, I have been feeling this way for some quite time when I am not working. At home I usually feel as if I did not have enough rest or something. I find it hard for me to get up with my mind over thinking so much that doesn’t even need to be thought out.
Well, I am just like you. I have recently discovered a study that says being lazy actually makes us stress more. While we feel in a lazy mood and not relaxed. We over think these thoughts like, “why am I lazy today? I’m not going to finish what I wanted today because I am still in bed! If I do it tomorrow I’m going to be behind…” this or that, you get what I am going at.
I’ve been making excuses for myself already by the time I wake up. It stresses me out! So I’ve been trying to find exercises that will help me in the morning to mentally not think negative or just not for me to feel lazy. Its been really hard lately, but I know in the end God is always right there with me.
This might sound crazy to some of you, but usually when I’m in a bad mood or when I just don’t feel the “greatest”, I will just take a moment (while still lying in bed lol) and think about how blessed I am. The little things, the bad things, pretty much everything. I mentioned a few couple of times that when I used to live in AZ in the three years of my life of being crucially in pain (physical pain in my body) I honestly hated my life. Felt like a horrible nightmare I was living and never knew when it was going to end. I now look at today, my life, and now I’m more better than ever! Yes, I still have struggles, but glad they’re not as what they were before . Moments like these I will bring up to myself to remember the importance and how much that awful nightmare changed me for the better.
To be honest with you all, I don’t know what I will be doing today… Sarina comes back home today… So joy :) (hehehehe)
Hey, I'm Julieza, am 22 years old in Southern California. I write a style & lifestyle blog to share for anyone who is interested to join my journey. I love to write, play video games, photograph, travel, and video. I live everyday with motivation to pursue my dreams. I honestly can't tell you where I'll be headed tomorrow, which makes life a bit more spontaneous.